I need a writers prospective...

Okay Its still a work in progress but how is this story? ::

Chapter I

She waited. And waited.

She was waiting for a cab. It had been fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of waiting for a cab. She would’ve been home by now. She just needed to leave the prom. Why? Well, she knew the prom queen would be dying on this day. She knew the prom queen was gonna be Jane Turner.

“Annabelle!” A voice yelled out her name. She turned to see her best friend, Michael Stanton.

“Oh, hey Mickey!” She watched him run down the stairs to her. Annabelle noticed noises inside.

“Don’t hey Mickey me, Annabelle.” He gave her a mad look.

“What’s wrong Michael?” She gave him a confused look.

“You killed her.” She was shocked.

“We. Killed. Her. Not just me. Most likely it was all you because you brought me into this. It was literally you. All you.” She explained to him. Now he was giving off a confused aura.

“Me? How m-” He was interrupted. Annabelle was mad now.

“It was all you! She broke your heart and you wanted your best friend's help! You killed her. I gave ideas! So don’t blame it on me!”

Here, let's start in the beginning.

Go to my profile to check out the rest

1. In the paragraph where it says "She was waiting for a cab. It had been fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of waiting for a cab.", maybe take out the last sentence, "Fifteen minutes of waiting for a cab." because then you're not repeating basically the same thing three times.

2. Let the readers know where Mickey came down the stairs from. Where are the noises coming from?

3. Where it says "Don't hey Mickey me, Annabelle." He gave her a mad look" Put quotes around "Hey Mickey" and capitalize hey. Either take out the "mad look" part, or take out Annabelle's confused look. If you want to leave both in, change one of them so it doesn't have "look" in it.

4. Where it says "We. Killed. Her. Not just me.", take out the periods between we, killed, and her.

5: In the part where it says "Me? How m-" He was interrupted. Annabelle was mad now.", do "Me? How was it m-" He was interrupted by a furious Annabelle saying, "It was all you!" and so on.

This is amazing! I would love to read the rest of it. I hope I helped you out a little bit!

gabby4581 gabby4581 · Answer 2 · 2021-03-19T20:38:41+01:00

I agree with all of the criticism above except number 1)
Because Charles Dickens actually used that tactic when writing for example he said, “Marley is dead. DEAD as a door nail. Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner.” It’s a cool way to add more and to expand or make a certain point important
We know Matheus dead but he added more and I think you did that well too
When you said “waiting for a cab....